My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize