a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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