She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Randomize
