I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
