Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Randomize
