Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
