Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
