I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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