I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
