And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
