Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
