She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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