ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
