Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Randomize
