Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
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