New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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