i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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