Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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