It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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