How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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