Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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