so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
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