Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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