The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Randomize
