There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
