I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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