GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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