Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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