a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize