She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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