sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
