Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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