I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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