i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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