I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
