someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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