he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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