i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
