If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
