im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
