She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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