i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
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