That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
