your parents love me but you hate me
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
