I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I'm bleeding and have questions
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
