mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
