jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
