Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
