Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
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