she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
