my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
