quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
