put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
