I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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