I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
In America we eat man semen.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Randomize
