know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Send help, water and tortillas.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
