Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize