I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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